Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
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HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
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Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?