Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
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The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Practicing safe sax
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.