According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
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“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!