[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
You Might Also Like
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.