doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
You Might Also Like
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.