My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
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The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn