*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
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Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
SPLOOT
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
let’s discuss
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice