when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
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As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
🤭😂
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.