Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
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“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
This classic never gets old . . .
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae