Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
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2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
I’m confused about plants
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*