Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
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[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.