ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
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Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”