You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
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Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.