Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
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Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?