Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer