Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
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Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.