[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
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At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me