6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
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Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
SF is the wild wild west man
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops