The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
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She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping