Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
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Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.