Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
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[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Still my favourite meme.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Perfect
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s