When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
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The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I beg your pardon?
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.