*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
You Might Also Like
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!