Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
You Might Also Like
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Great acting.. 😂
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food