got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
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Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.