It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
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Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
A wise man once said nothing.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.