Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
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Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
How wrong was this guy?
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.