[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
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Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
SPLOOT
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*