Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
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Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me