If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
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why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.