Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
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Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Does it…does it take 3 days
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I falcon love using swear birds
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.