The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
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I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]