Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
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Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
next question.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.