me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
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Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way