The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
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Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.