Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
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My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts