*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

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At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.


I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?


me: this could have been an email

cop: step out of the car sir


It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…


The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…


[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too



My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami


Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you


*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*


Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.

His name was Frank