Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
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[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys
[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Canada has crack?
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”