@xLiserx

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

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@ArfMeasures

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

@Darlainky

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk

@SortaBad

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

@iamburtjarvis

bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]

@fillthevacuum

Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.

@WilliamAder

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

@birbigs

Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”