Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
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I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.