me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
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My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Just got to our Airbnb!
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.