The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse