The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

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my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?


I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..


Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.


You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”


They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.


I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.


Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.


My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.


Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.