@kyry5

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

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@funflaps

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

@impaulmccoy

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

@StephenAtHome

Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.

@PLATINUM2000

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

@envydatropic

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

@TheRolo

I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.

@shatty48

Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

@lisaxy424

Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.