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Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse