i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
You Might Also Like
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.