i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
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What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
My birthstone is kidney
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral