“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
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Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Bloody internet 😳
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that