“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
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I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA