If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I am having an out of money experience.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Me sliding into hell like
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
screw you
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes