donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
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Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
they split up moments later
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.