professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
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Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Aight bet
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine