When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
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The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
fixed it
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.