When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
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There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired