I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
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Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Eat…
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Wise advice
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”