All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
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My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”