Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
You Might Also Like
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I used to be married, but I’m better now
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
😆this is so true
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed